Michael Becker / FOX

We’re teased with nothing but solid audition footage in the opening. Is this too good to be true? Or am I just a jaded, cynical viewer?

Uh oh. Off the bat it’s old footage. But to be fair, at least it’s General Larry Platt. King of love. Lots of YouTube parodies. We get it.

Jessica Furney: Jessica is a returning contestant. Ryan immediately addresses the elephant in the room – the blatant makeover.  Smart move with the belt, Jessica. She’s singing a song that Simon co-wrote. Who knew Simon was a songwriter? Definitely NOT the Posh. She falls all over herself, flattering and rubbing his ego like no other. Jessica makes it through. Simon makes sure to compliment the song he wrote more than the singer. Keepin’ it classy.

Amanda Shechtman: This girl started off looking like a hokey disaster. Anyone we get our first look at through her impersonation of Britney Spears seems destined for loserdom. But Amanda’s voice is actually pretty unique and cool. Tatiana Del Toro fans will be happy to hear that Amanda has all the makings of a Tatiana 2.0, so drama queens are alive and well on Idol! Amanda’s in. And then we get fake tears and a bizarre acceptance speech. Suh-weet!

Lee DeWyze & Crystal Bowersox: We get sort of a combined view of these two, with snippets of each shown back and forth. Both have great voices, both are bummed they can’t use their guitars…yet! We get very little, so I appreciate even the briefest audition bits. Graspin’ at straws, friends. Grasp with me, won’t you?

Montage of fake-out golden ticket moments. It’s such a classic move. Everyone’s doing it. This girl. That guy.  Chris Daughtry . Everyone.

Back from commercial and we get a montage (yes, another) of former auditioners. (Pretty sure that’s not a word but go with it.) Hey, there’s Rose Flack! I do remember her. I liked her!

Lacey Brown: Lacey was also a past contestant. She made it all the way to the chair round (The CHAIR ROUND!) last year. She lost out to Megan Joy (Corkrey.) Lacey gives a great audition (round two) and she’s through to Hollywood. She looks like one to watch.

Stephanie Fisher: They can’t all be talented singers, right? Stephanie says she’s distracted by Posh’s amazingness. She compliments Posh and Randy says “Thank you.” (For what?) Posh turns around as to not district her, and Stephanie is still a bad singer. Bummer.

Rachel Hubbard, Thaddeus Johnson & Genesis Moore: It’s a parade of precocious teenagers! All talented, and we didn’t have to sit through any boring back stories! I like these kids already.

We’re told there were over 100,000 contestants this year. So much talent. So much hopelessness.

Another montage, if you can believe it. This time we see the many athletes that audition for Idol. This is some truly stinky filler. But at least this…leads us…to…Adrian.

Adrian, “ The Big Kahuna”: Adrian refers to himself as a beautiful man flower. If so, Adrian is the most enormous flower I’ve ever seen. He’s not a good singer, either. He connects each note to one another in the most delicate but frustrating and painful way. It’s all sad, really. The whole package is just sad.

Michael Lynche: Stickin’ with the big dudes, we have Michael. Michael just found out he’s going to be a Dad. Aw, shucks. He’s got a good voice. He’s a bit of a ham in a borderline annoying kind of way, but he’s likeable enough. The girls are gaga for him. Simon and Randy are less gaga but agree he’s good enough for the next round.

Didi Benami: Death Cab for Cutie is playing in the background. It’s time to get serious. Didi’s story is one of the sad ones that’s actually sad. She lost her best friend and is doing this for her. Phew. She makes “Hey Jude,” one of the most recognizable songs ever, sound almost brand new. Her voice may not be THE best, but it’s still a cool sound. Didi starts to break down and Avril makes a point to tell her she has potential. We literally hear more from Avril in this two minutes than we heard in the entire Los Angeles episode. Didi is in.

Aaron Kelly: Keep the tissues, Aaron has a sad story. His biological parents couldn’t afford him, so his Aunt/Uncle adopted him. He wants to be a role model. He’s actually one of the few 16-year olds on this show that might actually be likeable. He’s certainly no super nugget, David Archuleta, but he seems like a nice kid. He has a terrific voice to match. A golden ticket for Aaron.

Kimberly Bishop: Kimberly showed us her crotch. Let’s just get to the point. She’s a bad singer who showed us her crotch. The. End.

Shaddaii Harris: Touché  Idol producers! Clever trickery on this one. We meet Shaddaii with a piano interlude, generally a sure fire sign of a sob story. We meet her and her mother briefly, then get taken right to her dreadful audition. No sob story…that we know of. Unless you count the voice.

Hope Johnson: The final contestant of the season. Hope is a rather ironically named girl. Another very sad story. Hope tells us about being poor as a child. She would bring food from school home to feed her brother. Woah. Major woah. Hope starts singing a little Lee Ann Womack and – thank God – she’s good. Joe Jonas nods. Thanks for your contributions, Joe.  And just like that, our final contestant is through singing and through to Hollywood.

We’re told that 181 golden tickets were issued in total. We’ve seen a fraction of that number sing. I’m not upset. Really.

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