Time for our first results show on the big stage. I have Lacey, Paige and Andrew in my bottom three, with Lacey getting the boot. We’ll see how it goes.

Ooh, some high production value to open the show. Lots of dramatic music and flashing images. So intense. I particularly enjoyed the ending sequence with each contestant’s name and face flashing on the screen as if this were The Real World: Top 12.

David Cook is here to perform. I don’t know why he has to perform a Rolling Stones song, though. This is just like when Kris Allen did a Beatles song a couple weeks back. I kept thinking, “Um, you already won. Sing your own songs. They’re good!” I can’t imagine this was David’s choice.

The performance is nothing earth-shattering, but it’s still very good. David is certainly a talented guy. Oh, and David is going to Africa for Idol Gives Back. I suppose we’ll see that footage in a few weeks.

I almost forgot about the cringe-worthy amazing Ford commercials. This is no better than any of the others. Cars, paint splattering and laughter, oh my!

Now, we’re treated to footage of the Idols…designing cars with Ford graphic designers? Filler followed by filler? Boo.

Paige is in the bottom three. (That didn’t take long!) I’m one for one. Yeehaw! Lee is SAFE. Of course, he is. Siobhan-bhan is most definitely SAFE, as is Aaron with his Lilith hair. Andrew and Tim are left in the back row. Oh man. One is safe. The other is in the bottom three.

Andrew is safe! I’m surprised, actually. That pulls me down to one for two. Sigh. Tim strolls across the stage to join Paige on the stools. One week the stools are where you wanna be, and the next week you’ll do anything possible to keep your ass off those things. They also happen to look majorly uncomfortable.

Orianthi performs “According to you” next. I have strongly mixed feelings about this girl. And her bangs. She’s a sick guitar player (shredding, once again!), but I am not feelin’ feelin’ her voice. I’ve seen her perform live one other time, and it was equally lackluster then. And those bangs and bothersome. They also look like a shelf.

Back to the results! Didi and Crystal are both safe. Crystal takes some time, again, to point out that she’s not cocky and that she doesn’t think she has the competition all locked up. I actually think she scored a few ‘person’ points this week. She seemed real.

Katie Stevens is safe. She looks relieved. So relieved, in fact, that she’ll spend the next few minutes making eyes with people in the audience. Big eyes that say, “Hey you. I’m relieved.”

Michael Lynche, who is “here for the people,” is also safe.

Casey and Lacey are left. Aw, that rhymes. They should really consider starting a vocal group and traveling around in a van. Scratch that idea; Casey is safe. Sorry, Lacey.

So, I went two for three in my bottom three predictions. Not bad. Ryan is ready to send one of these three back to safety. It’s the one with the swoop hair and the six pack. Enough of that stunned look coupled with the two steps back, Tim. I bet that really annoys the other contestants. Not only is this guy continuing to hang around, but he makes the same “Who, me?” face each time Ryan tells him he’s safe.

Who’s it going to be? Paige or Lacey?

Before we find out, Ke$ha is here to entertain us. She’s not here, of course. Whenever Ryan introduces a guest while perched high above the audience, it’s a sure-fire sign of a taped performance. That, and the four empty chairs at the judges’ table.

How could anyone find anything redeeming about what she just did? It’s like she took GaGa’s image, punched it in the face until it was almost unrecognizable, threw some Dollar Store glitter all over it and called it a day. She’s just so gross. And I need a shower.

Now that we’ve had a chance to wipe those three or four minutes from our collective consciousness, it’s time for the results. Aaaaaaand…Lacey is going home. I’m sad. But I’m also glad. I did predict this, after all.

The judges save is back for another year. I’m not sure I’m happy about that. Lacey gives it her all, but the judges aren’t ready to use the save just yet. I’m sure they won’t be ready to use it until the last possible week.

Images: FOX